Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy Fuc&i*g New Year

Dear Diary,
Until this morning, I thought that last year had to have been the worst year of my life. Don't really know why, but I just assumed that any year that included the following would be the absolute worst:
1. I turned 55 and while I know this is not ancient, it sure ain't young.
2. My mother was in the hospital for a month - two weeks of which we were given NO hope that she would ever leave - except in a coffin.
3. My family was in shambles with one son losing his job just weeks after buying a house and the other son nearly losing everything since he and his wife were employed in the house selling business which you might recall has not been doing so well of late.
4. My daughter-in-law lost a pregnancy, had surgery to try and correct the problem, lost another pregnancy, and then within two weeks was raped by "a friend". And she still manages to get out of bed in the morning - not sure I would make it.
5. We almost lost our home.
6. Our oldest dog had to be put to sleep, nearly breaking my heart.
7. I am in NO way a material type girl, but the joy of the holiday season is always to find the best present for each person. With no money, we only bought gifts for the babies. No other gifts were exchanged. It was miserable.
8. I let down so many friends - not that I really have any, but if I did, now I don't.
9. Because I work in a two person office, the only time I have off is the three weeks around Christmas, but because I did not get the flu shot this year (secondary to my mom's hospitalization) I have had the flu the entire three weeks. Can't go to the doctor because we don't have any money.
10. To make the three week vacation even worse, my middle son and his wife fought the whole time - I mean seriously. I love them both. I love my son, but he was not really being fair. I love my daughter-in-law, but she needed to get a grip. It was rather hard because she lost her fourth pregnancy in the middle of all of this.

So that is probably the top 10, but I should add that there were many good times. We had baby puppies (I might add that number 11 would be that two of our older dogs are now pregnant and no we do not understand how that happened, except to say that it was possibly secondary to not having enough money to pay to have the newest babies neutered). Our youngest son did very, very well in his first semester in college and I am very proud of him. Of course, he does not really have much time for me because he is in college and needs his own time and friends. Oh yes, I forgot number 12, which can be seen as a blessing and a curse - my only daughter who is almost 30 and had been living with us - helping out tremendously with every manner of home stuff - moved in with her older brother to help take care of his children so his wife could get a full-time job outside the home selling business. I miss her every single day. In other good news, my sister and my husband are speaking to one another again...subsequent to the long hours together in the hospital with my mom. The State of Florida is still in a bad way economically, so for the third year in a row, my husband and I have not gotten even cost of living raises. Which is one reason for the problems financially.

My boss always says that if I wrote a novel about all of the crap that happens in my life, no one would believe it could possibly be true. I wake up every morning hoping it is a nightmare that will go away when I put my feet on the floor. But no, it is all very real.

BUT, I woke up this morning with my typical optimism, that things would be better in 2009. The right man was elected, we will hopefully get on the right path, I still have a good job, my husband has a good job - if you met me on the street, you might think I was fairly normal. And maybe I was until about 11 this morning. Then my life and hope crashed. HARD. My daughter-in-law called to tell me my son had been arrested. Possession with intent to sell. Marijuana. That is when I knew that last year was a lark, a walk in the park. And that I better buck the fuck up and put on my big girl pants because things are getting ready to get really bad. I don't even have enough money to get him out of jail or hire an attorney. I don't know what to do next. Who to call. When to stop crying and get on with it. I don't know how to go to work on Monday. I don't know how to go to sleep. I am not sure I know how to pray. Lord knows I have tried. I don't know how to care about any thing else. I wish I had a friend. I wish I was someone who knew how to fix this mess. I wish his father gave a shit - his response was "He didn't call me, I have other things to worry about, let me know what you do." Fuck you, as always you never have anything constructive to say to me. I wish my son was okay, but he isn't.

So Happy New Year, 2009. I held my arms open for you and all I got was punched in the gut and a broken heart. Welcome.

No comments:

Visit my book blogs!


To read the ramblings and reviews of a wide variety of books, please take a look!
LibrarysCat Book List

Holocaust Resources